My Struggle with Perfectionism is Never Easy

I hate to admit it but although I don't fret these days over losing in competitions but I tend to struggle with perfectionism.  I mean, at seven or eight years old, I was trying to achieve the "greatest IQ in history" and wanting to become the world's greatest genius in history.  Some of my craziest dreams even included rebuilding my body into a completely mechanical one, trying to become a lot less emotional, only brain ticking... and to become the world's greatest genius in human history.  I was in fact, trying to become the perfect genius and to outwit everyone, from my peers to the rest of the world as the world's greatest genius.

The problem really didn't end at childhood and I find myself still struggling with perfectionism.  My obsession with perfectionism has only led to this... disappointments, crossing towards the opposite extreme of laziness (which happened to me at age nine) and everything was just crazy.  I would admit that my struggle for perfectionism has caused me some great deal of damage.  After trying to devote myself into becoming the world's greatest genius as a child, I soon got lazy.  I wanted an easy way out and wanted to turn from human to robot.  I wanted a shortcut method to becoming a super genius even if it meant using crazy experiments on myself.  I wanted to detach myself from humanity, believing human emotions to lead to mistakes, that mistakes doom people to failure and that I must become the perfect being.  I really tend to hate the fact I'm imperfect.


The obsession with becoming the world's greatest genius was in fact, not a healthy obsession.  I soon was thinking if the human brain itself can process as fast as the computer, if I can ameliorate the brain cells in my body, certainly I can skip all difficult processes and learn things without difficulty and I can have more time for fun, right?  For me, I soon wanted the short cut way.  My attitude to whine over my blunders will always bring me back to my crackpot ambition to become the world's greatest genius when I was around seven to eight years old.

As a child, I soon wanted to give up on becoming a human being to become a robot... never mind that a robot was created by a human being to assist human tasks, not to replace human beings.  I soon thought that if I can certainly become a robot, I can give up on the imperfections of humanity.  I even developed a crackpot theory that it would be possible to trigger one's intelligence by electrifying the brain... all before I saw Chodenshi Bioman dubbed.  Which of course, Dr. Man's origin story in Bioman made me pee in my pants (literally) because it was a reflection of my crackpot idea to stimulate my brain until I become the world's greatest genius.  Seeing him grow old even scared me but then again, I thought I could just mechanize myself right?  Then again, one thing I thought of is that maybe if I had the scientific mind or means to use some electric stimulation on my brain, I might damage myself beyond belief or even become the world's greatest retard in the process.

The only thing I could is this... try my best, do my best while not being a perfectionist.  Accept failure and resolve it, see failure as a message I need to quit or I need to resolve something.  Perfectionism has only made me cross the opposite path towards apathy one too many times.  That is, I soon realized some people had their own failures and were not ashamed to admit it whenever people thought they were all so great.